Scent of Sorrow
by goddessofsilvermoon
Summary: Kanda was always able to ignore the reason for hating Lavi but when their so called game reaches to a whole new level would the misunderstandings lead him to taking Tiki’s offer? How did Allen get in middle of this? KandaxLavi ; LavixAllen KandaxAllen
1. Prologue

**S**_**c**_**e**_**n**_**t **_**o**_**f S**_**o**_**r**_**r**_**ow**

Prologue

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

_There is nothing_

_There is anything_

_but there isn't_

_perhaps there is_

_perhaps there isn't_

_surely there is_

_said there isn't_

_x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x_

"… Kanda, if we are headed to Japan why don't you call your family or something?"

Kanda remained silent for a while as if debating whether to respond or not. He closed his eyes, "I don't have any family there… or any family at all, in fact."

Allen stared at him trying to think of a response… "Kanda… I'm…"

"Sorry? Don't even say it, I heard that phrase enough."

"Yuu-chan, don't be so cold… Allen didn't know-"

"Shut up and stop calling me that," he gave Lavi a cold glare and wondered just what did he exactly have to do to make this annoying idiot stop calling him that.

Lavi however just smiled as he swung his around Allen's shoulder, "Come on, Yuu, Allen here didn't mean anything by it. He really didn't know and partially that was your fault considering you are always distant and don't even talk to him unless you absolutely need to."

Kanda just continued to glare, "oh and like you do?"

The red-haired exorcist twitch at that statement, "Well… we knew each other for a while now… ever since you came to the Black Order…"

"And when exactly was that?"

Allen looked at them… he could tell something was weird especially that last question. And apparently Lavi sensed it to. "Um… you came to the Order at 15 so that would be about three years ago…"

Kanda suddenly stood up and headed towards the compartment door. He opened it forcefully and then slammed it closed behind him.

Allen watched the door as Kanda's footsteps faded away. He turned to Lavi, "What happened just now?"

"I have no clue… this happens sometimes…" he sighed and turned towards the window.

"I kind of thought that considering how Kanda is, you are the closest friend to him…"

Lavi smiled, "I guess I thought so too… but Yuu is Yuu… this is just part of his personality…"

The younger exorcist thought for a moment. If what Lavi said was true, that they knew each other since Kanda came to the Black Order, even with Kanda's personality, why wasn't he at least a little friendly towards him? Also the way Linali talk about them seems like the only person who is close to Kanda was Lavi…"Have you ever wondered why?"

"Huh?" his expression was blank as he stared at Allen.

"I mean… why he doesn't treat you like his friend…"

He shrugged, "Well I just figured that it was just his personality."

"I see…"

* * *

When Allen finally found Kanda it was all the way at the end of the train. There wasn't anyone in the near compartment which seemed like the exact reason why the solemn exorcist was there in the first place. 

"Kanda…"

He turned around sharply and as soon as he saw who it was his gaze turned into a icy glare, "What do you want bean sprout?" It wasn't much of a question… more like another way of say "get the hell away from me."

"Stop being like this," said Allen trying to match the coldness in the other men's voice.

"che," he turned back around.

"Why… why are you being like that toward him?"

"Who?"

"Lavi…"

"Oh that idiot who doesn't even seem to remember the simple fact not to call me by my given name"

"As far as I know he is the closest thing you have as a friend."

Kanda turned around his expression unchanged. He walked closer and stopped right in front of Allen, "Don't get yourself involved in things you don't even know." He pushed the shorter exorcist out of the way and walked on.

_I have my reasons… for hating that idiot…_

* * *

_It was long ago… I know it's stupid for holding a grudge for this long… but…_

_It was around mid winter of when I turned 7… I remember because the blood seemed redder against the snow…_

"_He killed his own parents…"_

"_How can he be a disciple of God?"_

"… _General Tiedoll no less…"_

"Kanda, do not worry of what others say… keep your head high…"

_The general's voice seemed distant… and for most part my brain couldn't register what he meant… All I could do was nod._

"I can't teach you right away but I promise you I will soon. As of now stay in the Order and don't lose your temper."

_Again a nod…_

_I stayed in my room most of the time. I didn't want to go out… I didn't want to hear what they were saying. If being safe meant being alone in these four walls I would do so… but then…_

"Hey what's your name?"

I looked up. A boy around my age was smiling at me. He had red hair, green eyes, and wore the same black uniform as I did.

I remained silent. I didn't know what the say… more over I forgot how to exactly speak considering it has been so long.

He probably realized that I wasn't going to talk any time soon and maybe thought he did something wrong. "Um… wait… I guess I should have told you my name first. It's Lavi." he held out his hand.

I hesitated for a moment before I held out mine, "Kanda…"

"Kanda? Is that you're given name?"

"…no…"

_He didn't say anything for a moment but I was glad he didn't ask any further question…_

_It was almost 2 month since I last saw my general and I still didn't leave my dark room. Linali brought me food just so I won't starve myself and Lavi kept inviting himself in. I truly think the only reason I started to speak again was to just tell him to shut up and go away. I found that he could go on for hours with just one topic and he wouldn't leave my room until late at night… sometimes not leave at all. I acted like I hated him at first… kept repeating how annoying he was. But as time proceeded and days turned into weeks I didn't say anything at all._

"You know, you look prettier then Linali," he said with a smile.

My face became red but I hid it behind my hair. It wasn't much of a help considering it was only shoulder length but at least he couldn't see my eyes. "I'll take it as a compliment."

"Hey you know the flowers started to bloom again," he held out a red rose, "I got this from the garden, you should come with me next time instead of just sitting around in this room. It's kind of depressing."

I took it but didn't expect the thorn to pierce me. I dropped the red flower and looked at the small drop of blood that was visible on my finger.

"Hey you ok?" he took my finger and without hesitation sucked the blood. "I think it'll stop bleeding now…"

_I wanted to believe I didn't like him… I was afraid of the rejection I would get when he started to see what others said about me. But… when there were days he didn't come for a visit I laid on the place where he usually sat talking non-stop… thinking… searching… for his smile._

The door creaked open at one early morning and I turned towards it almost expecting to see that stupid grin… but it wasn't Lavi.

"Kanda, we will leave tomorrow to start your training," said the general.

I just simply stared… the thought scared me… holding that sword again… leaving this room… not… being able to see _him_…

"I'm leaving tomorrow…"

He looked at me and looked surprised for a moment then smiled again, "I guess I expected that sooner or later… but it's not like we'll never meet again. We are both becoming an exorcist after all. You're probably going to be back in a year or so so then we can see each other again."

_I always wondered how can he know what to exactly say? It's as if he knew what would calm me down… did he knew my fears? Or was it mere coincidence…_

"Arigato, Lavi-kun."

_He was right. I did come back even though it was 8 year later then just 1. I wasn't that much scared anymore in fact some seemed to be scared of me. I headed towards the room where I used to be all the time, just to see if it was still there. When I opened the door I found that the room didn't change at all. _

"Hi are you new here?"

I turned around... I couldn't speak.

_The next day I was talking to Linali. She seemed to have forgotten who I was but I didn't care. I didn't really talk to her before anyways… but what pained me was the fact…_

"Hey you still didn't tell me your name," said Lavi as he held out his hand, "mine's Lavi, and yours?"

I slapped the hand away.

He looked shocked but he didn't seemed to be angered, "I don't get why you don't like me. Did I do something wrong?"

I walked right past him, "I hate people who forgets…"

_I didn't realize what I was feeling back then… anger? betrayal? disappointed? ……sadness?_

………

_I know it's been a long time… but I can't bring myself to forgive him…_

_

* * *

_

To be continued...

I been thinking about this story for a while now but didn't have a chance to actually write it and yes the story is going to be more complicated after chapter 1 or 2 so yeah... this was kind of like the background... Anyways please review!


	2. Despondency

**Scent of Sorrow**

Chapter 1

**D. **espondency

**G**

**R**

**A**

**Y**

**-**

**M**

**A**

**N**

_Despondency- (n.) depression of spirits from loss of courage or hope; dejection_

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

_It's the truth_

_There is a truth_

_the lie there is_

_There is a lie_

_the truth there is_

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

_You're always putting on a show… those emotionless mask, frustrated emotion, act of anger… I can see they are all a lie. _

_I can see it…_

_You never meant what you say. You push people always hoping they will still be there… _

_Everything you do is all a fake…just an act to cover up your true self…_

_I can see it… I'm not a fool… I always knew it…_

…_the way you look at me…_

………

BEEP BEEP BEEP!

"Lavi, wake up! It's morning!"

"Allen just turn off the alarm…"

"No, you can't just go back to sleep! Seriously, Lavi, wash up and get ready!"

I slowly pushed myself off from the bed. I really didn't want to get up… I was still sore from last night's continuous encounter with the akumas not to mention dealing with Yuu trying to run off by himself.

"Is everyone else up?" I asked lazily.

"Yes, the finders are trying to contact the headquarters and Kanda… um… I don't know… he left right after breakfast."

I ran my finger thru my red hair hoping it would become less messy… however as I guessed from the beginning it didn't do much good. I sat up and then started to dress into my uniform. "I'll go find him."

I reached for my headband and at the corner of my eyes I saw Allen… having somewhat of a weird expression. "hm?"

"Huh? No nothing nevermind." he replied having his usual cheerful expression back on.

There was a silence where I finished putting on my jacket and tried to straighten my overall clothing.

"Hey Lavi?"

I turned to Allen who seemed to be debating weather to continue or not.

"Yes?"

"um… well um… you seemed to know a lot about Kanda…"

"Well yeah… I mean we were together on missions often since he came to the order." Sometimes I do amaze myself. Seriously how did I actually know about Yuu? …if I give it a more thought into this, no one actually know much about Yuu. In truth I really have no clue how I can predict his movements and his thought process… it always came as a natural thing for me. But then again we were near same age and ever since we were 15, when he first came to the order, we been put together a lot in mission… still though, he barely talked during missions and never ever talked about himself…

I smiled to myself remembering all the times I annoyed the Japanese exorcist however I quickly turned it into a smirk as I turned back to Allen, "Why are you asking so much about Yuu anyways? Do you have interest in him or something?"

"uh…" he seemed to be having hard time finding the words and as he reached for the door to escape I cornered him.

I am very observant unlike oblivious Yuu and I was always aware of the fact our little Allen here has a crush on Yuu. I considered helping Allen at first however then I thought, 'why do I want to give away my entertainment to someone else?' the fact is I don't. It isn't like Yuu and I are in a relationship or anything like that… not to mention I do fool around with many others… but for some reason I didn't want to let go of Yuu-chan just yet. Jealously? not really… Possessiveness? yes…

"You know Allen, Yuu-chan is already taken…"

I saw that look in Allen's face as soon as I said those words.

"…who…?"

I didn't even let him finish his sentence, "Me…"

He looked down trying not to meet my eyes, "So you two are…"

"No." I said flatly.

Now he looked confused… it was quite cute, the fact that he was so naïve that he still believe people belong to one person and one person only.

"Yuu-chan only likes me… but that doesn't mean I only like him." I was smiling… but maybe that made Allen more uneasy.

* * *

(Normal POV)

"Tiki, when are we going to play with the exorcist again? I'm getting bored." Road was lying on the floor poking at her doll with little interest.

Tiki sighed… he was sitting crossed legged on an arm chair, reading a wonderful book until the little Noah interrupted him, "Soon…" he said shortly. Actually he was also really getting bored however he didn't really feel like getting his hands dirty again.

"I want to play with Allen," Road said pouting.

Tiki smirked slightly, "It seems like 'Allen' is the only name you memorized… then again it makes sense considering he is the only one you have interest in."

"I know there is also the red haired one, the girl I played with, and long haired one with bad attitude…"

"Their names are Lavi, Linali, and Kanda"

The younger Noah turned to him with a bit of confusion, "Does that mean you have interest in them?"

"hm?"

"You remember their names."

There was a pause, "Yes… in a way…"

silence.

"Road, sometimes it doesn't matter about the blood you born into… the side you choose to dedicate yourself to is completely up to you."

Road stared at him. Tiki had a blank expression and he was back to reading his book… something wasn't right… there was something that he only knew.

* * *

"_He killed his own family…"_

slice.

"_How disgusting…"_

slice.

"_But their blood was always impure…"_

slice.

"_shhh! We aren't allowed to talk about that!"_

slice.

…

He stood there still holding on to his sword. He was completely out of breath and his knees were starting to give in but he didn't care.

"Yuu, you really didn't have to start your day out like that."

Kanda stabbed the sword to the ground so to leave it there for the time being, "What do you want? Didn't I tell you not to call me that?"

Lavi just approached him giving him is usual grin. Kanda stood still not turning around not saying a word.

"Aw Yuu," he whinned, "You like it when I call you that though! It's all writen across your face!"

another glare...

"Yuu, why don't we go back? Everyone's waiting."

"Get lost."

Lavi blinked, "That was cold. Why do you always act like this?"

"Isn't it obvious? I hate you!"

There was a pause… then without so much as a warning Lavi pulled his arm making him spun around facing him. "Can you say that actually looking at me?"

Kanda's eyes narrowed but then turned his head. The other exorcist smiled in victory.

"Hey Yuu, you know I think Allen has interest in you… can't blame him, you're always eyed even when walking down the street… if it wasn't for your attitude."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Lavi raised an eyebrow, "Did you look at yourself in the mirror?" he said playfully.

Kanda twitched and then started to walk back towards the Inn that they were staying in, "I don't really care about Beansprout."

The red haired exorcist quickly followed him walking fast to keep up with the fast pace, "Oh really? I thought he was rather cute… you know he has the whole naïve thing."

Kanda's fist clenched but he didn't say anything.

Lavi smiled, "Well if you don't want him why don't I seduce him?"

He stopped.

"huh?"

Kanda glared for a moment then started to walk again, "nevermind."

* * *

"You're back!" said Linali as she stood up from her seat, "That was a while."

Lavi grinned, "Yeah well stubborn Yuu-chan here isn't really the type to listen to others."

"Shut it," he said as he started to walk towards the door which led to what was temporally his room.

"Wait Kanda," she said, "The town people said something about a foreigner with dark skin walking around here. It might be a Noah…"

"I'll go check it out." he said as he walked in grabbed his uniform jacket and Mugen and started to head out.

"I'll come with you," said Lavi.

"And be stuck with an idiot like you for the whole day? No thanks."

"But Yuu-chan, it might be dangerous!"

"I'll risk it!" With that Kanda walked out quickly shutting the door behind him.

Linali waited a few seconds before asking "um… Lavi did you do something to him?"

"Kind of… but didn't know it would actually upset him…"

Ok well it was kinda the truth… he really didn't think Yuu would be this upset. All he wanted to do was see how jealous the other exorcist would actually get and was hoping to get some kind of affection out of him. He knew that Kanda did, in truth, had feelings for him… he was never quite sure of the reason but he knew. Kanda, however wasn't planning to confess anytime soon so for the past years even he been trying to figure out what would tick him enough for him to blurt it out.

Lavi knew he could have easily been the first to say it but this was in a way turned out as a little game for him. He just wanted to know more about him and the reason for Kanda to be liking him but hating him at the same time.

All his hard work was starting to show it's promise however then Allen just happened to show up. He never worried about Yuu having affection for anyone else except him (no matter how many different people he himself slept with) but that started to change.

They were put into the same mission and from what he heard Yuu saved the white haired exorcist when he was in trouble. Yuu that he knew would never do such thing. He never even tried to save any other exorcist or finders in the past mission even when they were screaming and begging.

He sighed and waited until Linali started to walk out of the room, 'well… I guess I have to keep an eye on Allen for a while…'

* * *

Kanda walked down the crowded street that was filled with women who were buying food, children running with their friends, and couples who were holding hands. He didn't really see anything unusual… well actually it was kind of hard to look around carefully when every time he passed a girl they would stare at him and giggle with their friends. 'Oh God, why do most girls in this town have to be air-headed?'

The long haired exorcist started to walk faster trying to get away from the crowd… but then…

Someone grabbed his arms, as a reflex he tried to get away but his attacker grabbed harder and twisted it. 'dammit!'

"Don't cause a scene… if you don't want any casualties…"

"Who the heck are you?"

Tiki leaned in and slightly allowed the exorcist to turn facing him, "Don't you remember me? We met last time you all were at the ark… heh…that didn't end that well now did it?"

Kanda kept silent… he really didn't want to give this Noah the satisfaction of replying back.

He heard him sigh, "You're no fun, at least that red haired kid was more talkative."

"What do you want?"

"You still didn't get rid of that curse…"

His eyes widened, "How do you know about that?" he snapped.

"I just do…"

"…why aren't you killing me yet?"

The Noah smirked, "Well because I'm lazy at the moment… and it would be no fun to just kill you. Now, where are your friends?"

"I have no friends."

"ooo that's cold, aren't you all suppose to be on the same team? to destroy us Noahs and Akuma?"

"There is a difference between friends and teammates."

There was a pause… The Noah seemed to be observing him so he didn't try to move… at least not yet. Kanda knew he was strong… he saw the last time Lavi tried to fight him not to mention he was the one to destroy Allen's arm that time. 'dammit, I can't do anything when there is this many people around us…'

"You and that Allen kid have completely different way of thinking… I wasn't going to dirty my hands today but I am getting annoyed with your arrogance."

"And you think you aren't being a bastard?"

Tiki chuckled, "How do you act like this even when you know of my abilities?" He raised his left hand and started to reach into the exorcist's body, grabbing the heart. He felt the other man flinch however his heartbeat didn't even change slightly. 'so… he's not scared…'

Kanda didn't move and did his best to keep calm… he didn't want to look scared nor weak… It would break his pride if he gave a Noah that kind of satisfaction. He turned his head slowly, half facing the other man.

The Noah was taken aback by the piercing glare but recovered quickly, 'still those eyes…' "So you don't fear death."

"I have no reason to."

"…………" He smirked, "Well I have other prior arrangements to attend to… I hope next time we face each other we be able to have a real fight; after all you seem like an interesting opponent." He let go of Kanda's wrist and started to walk towards the opposite direction, down the street.

He first thought of drawing Mugan and stabbing him or something… but then… he thought better of it. Battle between a Noah and an exorcist in middle of a crowded street seemed like something that would be punished by all the Generals if let happen… he wasn't stupid.

'Next time,' he thought, 'next time, I'll chop his head off…'

* * *

Allen stayed in his given room at the Inn. He was told that Kanda went to check on something and as soon as he was back they would be leaving directly to their destination.

He stood up and walked over to the window… Looking outside Japan didn't seem all that bad. They were told that this was Earl's land at the moment but then again looks can be deceiving.

'I guess Kanda is an example of that,' he thought, '…oh God! I can't be thinking about him again!'

Yes yes… during the past days all the topics Allen thought about seemed to have led someway or another to the long haired exorcist. In some ways it was an obsession but what can he exactly do about it? Confess his feelings and get rejected? Seriously it was quite obvious that Kanda didn't exactly like him and the fact of what Lavi said doesn't really help the situation.

'Was he just kidding around?... or…'

Actually, Allen always knew that Lavi was the only person who came close as earning the title of Kanda's friend however he never thought of them as… lovers…

'Then again Lavi did say they weren't exactly lovers…'

Ok yes Allen did know what Lavi's personality was like… he flirted with many people, suddenly switched from being interested in different people, has some short relationship… but… for some reason Lavi's image didn't seem to reflect that.

He thought for a moment but was interrupted by the knock on the door.

He turned around, "Come in."

The door opened and Lavi stepped into the room… he was grinning as usual, "What up? Why are you here all by yourself?"

Allen smiled, "Just thinking. Besides Linali said that we might leave soon so I thought why bother." In truth he was jealous of Lavi… for knowing Kanda longer, being able to talk to him, being closer to him… but… he couldn't hate him for it.

Lavi closed the door behind him, "I see I see."

There was a silence where Allen went back staring out at the window.

"Allen…"

"hm?" however before he could turn back to face him he found himself only few inches away from Lavi. Their faces were up close and the red haired exorcist had his hands either side of the windowsill causing Allen to be trapped. 'Why do I find this extremely uncomfortable...' he thought

For once the bookman's apprentice had a blank face rather then the usual grin…

"um… Lavi can you…um… back away a little?" he said with an awkward laugh

"Allen… you know, even if you confessed your feelings to Yuu-chan… it won't make a difference to him…"

Allen just stared. He didn't know what to say… in some ways he did believe it to be true… but… he wanted to grab on to that faint hope…

Lavi saw his smile fade and just as Allen was about to say something he leaned in capturing the younger man's lips. Allen tried to pull back but Lavi was holding him by his waist and the back of his neck. His mind was racing… trying to register what was happening just now. He liked Kanda… and Kanda liked Lavi. No matter how much he didn't like it it was facts… he wanted to learn to accept it… he wanted Kanda to be happy… but here he was…

When Lavi drew back Allen stared at him eyes wide in shock. He wanted to say something but couldn't find the words.

"I told you, didn't I? I'm not only into Yuu…"

_I'm sorry Allen for doing this. I know I'm being selfish but I can't risk losing Yuu… As the next Bookman I want to believe I don't love anyone… this is merely a game to me… but…_

Then it hit him… he realized the true meaning to those words…

His hands clenched into fists, "Then all those times… when we were on missions you slipped out at night. Kanda caught you few times but he didn't say anything… he tried to cover for you. You know he likes you… how can you do this to him?"

…_to me, Yuu is one person that intrigues me… I don't want to lose him to you… So I came up with the way to save my situation…_

"I actually have no clue how our game began… actually I don't know how a person like Yuu can only like me for this long and his reasons being… He really should be with someone like you. But Allen, you don't understand a lot of things right now," he lifted Allen's chin slightly forcing him look at him, "…you really are naïve…"

…_to have you fall for me instead…_

There was a soft creek behind them… the sound of the door pushing open by the wind. There was the swish of the hair as the person walked away silently… leaving the scent of lotus.

The younger boy didn't realized; to many thoughts occupying his mind… but he did… There was only one person in this building who had that scent about them… he knew it all too well.

_Let the games began…

* * *

_

**Confused **? Ok well to those who are confused to sum it up…

Kanda and Lavi first met when they were young and because Lavi was the only one who showed him kindness Kanda ended up falling for him. However Lavi had the personality of being kind of many others which led to him not being able to clearly remember Kanda when they met again 8 years later.

Lavi thinks that that was when they first met and figured that being cold was just Kanda's personality, not knowing that he was the reason. Kanda's mysterious personality intrigued Lavi and decided he wanted play a game with him even though he figured out that he himself can't enjoy pressure that one person brings him. Kanda realized what was going on however still found himself in love with the child that he once knew.

Allen ended up starting to develop a crush on Kanda but wasn't plan on confessing anytime soon. He soon found that later on that his crush actually is in love with his friend even though he is uncertain about the two's relationship. What confuses him even more so was when Lavi kisses him truthfully saying Kanda isn't the only one he has interest for. He is unaware by the fact that Lavi is actually doing this in order for Allen to fall for him and ultimately ruining his chance with Kanda.

ok well that's about it. I know it is a bit confusing…

anyways please review!


	3. Grievance

**Scent of Sorrow**

Chapter 2

**D.**

**G**rievance

**R**

**A**

**Y**

**-**

**M**

**A**

**N**

_Grievance- (n.) 1. __Something believed to cause distress_

_ 2. A complaint or resentment, as against an unjust or unfair act_

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

no one knows

no one cares

so we don't know

…

There is somebody

we know everything

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

For a moment I stood there… half wanting to believe I was hallucinating… half because I was shocked.

...then… I ran.

"_Well if you don't want him why don't I seduce him?"_

What he said kept repeating in my head over and over. Why didn't I take it seriously when I heard that? Was I stupid? Did I really believe Lavi wasn't going to touch Allen because he was naive? Didn't I know who exactly Lavi was and what he did?

"KANDA!" Linali stood up from her chair as she saw me running, "Where-? KANDA!"

I ran passed her not really caring for the moment. I just needed to be by myself… I needed to think.

Lavi always was nice to Allen in a sense he was always looking out for him. Was it all an act? or…

no… it can't be… a bookman can't love.

I kept running and didn't stop until I was back at the town I met that Noah. Yes, it was a bad idea to be here by myself when I know that bastard could still be here… but… well, there was no where else to run to.

'run to'…?

What was I running away from? From him? What I saw?

Did I really love him? I never looked at it that way… but then again I never thought I ran away from anything.

Exorcist's job is to destroy the Akuma and the Noah family… they can't choose who their companion is and personal feelings are pushed aside. If I did love him and was running away from the fact that he might be in love with someone else… am I running away from my duty as an exorcist?

I stopped running. I looked around and realized that it was starting to get dark… maybe because it seemed like it was about to rain. My knee was starting to feel pain and my heartbeat was unnaturally fast.

'It seems like I'm the idiot…' I leaned against the near by wall as there was barely any people in the road now. 'I can barely stand… I should have thought about this before wasting all my energy in something that wasn't necessary.'

I took a deep breath… yes there was no reason to be upset… I was an exorcist… nothing more… nothing less…

I closed my eyes and slowing trail of thought led me to smirk, 'che, where is that damn Noah now? This would have been the perfect time… I don't mind dieing.'

* * *

(Normal POV)

Allen pushed him away… finally he managed to. He looked up but after meeting the other's eyes he turned away. As the silence filled the room a memory came back to him…

(Flashback)

_They were on a mission not to long ago at Paris. They successfully managed to retrieve the innocent and were planning to start heading back to the tower the following day. _

_It was night and they decided to stay at a hotel near the train station and as usual Kanda got the single room. Of course it wasn't like Lavi didn't try to convince him otherwise. Allen didn't know weather he was joking or not when he said things like "Come on Yuu-chan! I never got a chance to share a bed with you yet!" and "It's not like I'm going to do anything to you… that you would remember… cough It would help if you were drunk though." Which would often lead to Kanda trying to chop Lavi's head off with his sword and Allen standing away from them blushing. _

_So once again Lavi's failed attempt led him and Allen in sharing a room while Kanda got one to himself far… far away from them._

_It was about 1 o'clock when Allen decided to get a drink of water and found Lavi was no where in the room. He ran to the window and from there he could see the bookman's apprentice quickly walking toward the busy road. He grabbed his coat and quickly ran down the stairs towards the main entrance and it was there he bumped into Kanda._

"_Kanda!"_

"_Where do you think you're going bean sprout?"_

"_I saw Lavi walking out of the hotel!... did you see him when you were coming up?"_

_Kanda's expression didn't change… maybe this was the reason it was so hard to know what he is thinking, "I saw him…"_

"_Wait… you did?"_

"_Go back to sleep. I told him to check on something."_

"_I'll go with him!" As Allen tried to go past him Kanda grabbed his wrist dragging him back up the stairs._

"_No, you would only drag him down."_

"_What?! What did you say? Hey! Don't ignore me!"_

(End of Flashback)

"That time… in Paris, I saw you sneaking out. I was about to follow you but I met Kanda along the way."

Lavi grinned as he backed up slightly and leaned against the opposite wall, "Yeah I remember that… actually he expected something like that to happen so he was watching our room the whole time. He saw me right away when I tried to leave."

"If the finder caught you or if the order found out…"

"Well Komui almost did… but Yuu-chan covered for me that time too. He said he had a feeling something went wrong so he asked me to check on it but he didn't report it since he wasn't sure and didn't want to make a big deal out of it."

"Why…?" he began, "Why do you insist on giving him a hard time when you know he likes you?"

Lavi sighed and ran his finger threw his hair, "Allen, what if I told you I had interest in you?"

He turned towards him, eyes wide.

Lavi started to walk towards the door… as he passed the younger exorcist he ruffled his hair, "Let's continue this conversation some other time."

"LAVI!" Allen couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to hit him… He always believed that he liked Kanda… ever since he came to the order… but of course he was still human… and couldn't betray the human instinct… to take what you can get. Part of him knew that Kanda didn't like him and whatever he did he might never return any of his feelings. To truly love someone is to love them no matter what but there was loneliness that he couldn't get over and he wasn't sure he could be that loyal.

But before Allen decided on what he was actually feeling or what to even do Linali's voice was heard from downstairs.

* * *

"Allen! Lavi!"

"_KANDA-CHAN!"_

_The red haired boy jumped and landed himself on the other boy still hanging on to his neck. _

_The other boy, who was no older then the other just looked at him… surprised? yes… but no annoyance or anger even with the fact he landed himself on the hard floor by the other's childishness._

" '_chan'?" he repeated._

"_Isn't that Japanese?" smiled Lavi as he still didn't made any effort to get off of the other boy._

" '_chan' is said directed to a girl."_

"_I know but it suits you."_

"_Why do you suddenly speak that way? This isn't Japanese nor do you come from there."_

"_Well I have to start learning all sorts of language now as a training to become a bookman and I thought I should start by Japanese since my favorite friend is from there!" he said happily, "besides I thought since you said you didn't have a family to speak your native language to I thought this would make you feel more happy."_

"_I don't mind…" he said slowly, "besides Japanese isn't really all that easy to learn..."_

"_Well Kanda-chan is here to help me, right?" he hugged on to him harder… nearly choking the other exorcist._

"_Lavi… you're… can't… breath…"_

_He let go quickly but was still holding on to his shoulder, "oops… gomen nasai"_

_Kanda continued to just stare at him._

"_See I know few other words too!" he continued happily, "Aishiteru!"_

_There was a silence where Kanda just stared at him slightly blushing, "Do… do you know what that means?"_

"_Of course! It means 'I love you', right?"_

…

Kanda slowly opened his eyes… he must have fallen asleep… somewhere… somehow…

He just stared at the ceiling… wait ceiling? wtf? How did he get himself in a… room…? He tried to get up and realized the sharp pain in his knees and the spinning in his head.

"Where the fuck am I?" he said out loud.

"tsk tsk, such a foul mouth," came a voice behind him.

The Japanese exorcist jumped off from the bed to face the one person he really didn't want to see at the moment. He looked around and finally realized that his sword was no where in sight… 'dammit!' he thought as his eyes narrowed.

Tyki seemed to be amused by this behavior and held back a chuckle.

"Where… am I?"

The Noah seemed as if he was smirking as he calmly walked towards the only window in the room. He leaned against it looking outside. "We are at one of the Earl's hideout but not to worry… we are still near where you're friends are hiding."

If Kanda wanted to scream it would probably have been now… "Why didn't you kill me?"

"hm?" he turned to look at him in bored expression, "Do you actually seek death, exorcist?"

"Let's just put it this way… I don't have my weapon, I'm apparently inside one of Earl's base, oh and not to mention there is a Noah right in front of me." Yes, it was starting to frustrate him.

The Noah just watched as Kanda slowly started to lose his temper.

He got out a lighter and a cigar from his pocket and put it to his mouth slowly almost lazily… as if the exorcist wasn't even in the room.

"Well, Earl has been lying low for a while… there haven't been any new exorcist to get rid of and I was starting to get bored with my daily routine." He smirked, "Then there was the yesterday where I ended up following you back to the place where you exorcists were resting… and let's just say I saw something pretty interesting."

Kanda's eyes widened… he couldn't have meant…

He walked towards him and Kanda began to take a step back… it wasn't like he was afraid but he didn't have his innocence and this Noah was more unpredictable then a women.

"I know the reason why you ran… quite a stupid move… you should have known I was still around here." Tyki leaned closer to him and they were merely inches apart.

"Haven't you heard of personal space?" he replied coldly.

"I thought that bookman wasn't supposed to love… but then again aren't you supposed to put your job before your personal feelings?"

"shut up…"

"Ooh, looks like I touched a nerve…" he smirked, "You know that Allen kid. He is very naïve… I realized it the first encounter I had with him… isn't that the quality that is such a turn on in bed?"

_-smack-_

The cigar fell to the floor as Tyki's face was snapped to the side. His eyes were wide for a moment but he calmly put his hand on the place where Kanda had punched him… it was red… he knew he could have used his ability to dodge the punch but this was much more interesting.

"You got some nerves to throw a punch at me when you know all the odds." His eyes narrowed and in a quick motion his fingers were gripping Kanda's long hair. He pulled them back making the exorcist's head to snap back forcefully.

Kanda threw another punch at him but this time the Noah blocked it and once more twisted behind his back. "You are fairly strong even without your weapon… I'll give you that, but never** ever **underestimate me."

There was a moment of silence where he just glared at him. He knew the other man had the upper hand but he was much too proud to just stand still. This was the problem Kanda always had… he couldn't let go of this pride.

Then he did one thing the other never expected him to do... he spat at his face.

Tiki blinked… ok he was expecting a kick or something but this… now he was going to teach this brat a lesson.

He let go of the wrist he was holding back but moments later he punched Kanda's stomach then kicked him at his side... for once he was holding nothing back.

Taking the full blow, Kanda fell to the ground and coughed violently… even with his fast healing ability he could still feel the sharp pains.

Before the exorcist could get back on his feet Tiki already got a grip on his hair again. He forced his head up to face him, "Brat, let me tell you something you don't know… That red-haired kid can never return your childish feelings and more over he isn't and never will be even a supporter to the order." His voice was dangerously low, "He is to be the next bookman and maybe some of you don't realize it but he doesn't carry human feelings. He can't favor one side of this war and defiantly can't love."

Tiki threw him back down and started to straighten himself. He looked down at the exorcist that was still lying on the floor...

Kanda was still having a hard time getting to his feet but more so he seemed to be in a state of shock… trying to, for the first time, realize what Lavi actually was… he was

… a bookman.

* * *

"Linali, you should get some sleep. We've been looking for Kanda since last night…"

"No, we should continue to look for him," she tried to stand up again but lost her balance…

"Linali!" Lavi caught her before she hit the ground, "…Me and Allen will look for Yuu, you should go back to the motel and rest for a bit."

Yes, they have been looking for Kanda since the day before when Kanda ran out the door without so much as a explanation. Linali told both of them right away however Lavi reassured her that he would probably get back by that night… but of course that wasn't the case. As the rain started to pour and Kanda was no where in sight they decided to look for him.

"No No! I'm fine!" she tried to smile but failed.

Allen turned to the finder, "Can you help Linali get back?"

"Allen, no! I want to look for Kanda too! Something might have gone wrong!"

Lavi stepped forward, "Linali you can hardly stand. We promise we'll bring Yuu-chan back… wait for us."

There was a silence then Linali lowered her head, "Ok."

* * *

Kanda sat there for at least an hour since the Noah left. He was lost in his own thoughts… memories returning to him… new information that he was trying to soak up… ignored truth that was finally sinking in. He never felt so pathetic in his life… he always thought he was strong and his pride would never let him believe how much Lavi actually effected him.

His bruises were already healed though, as well as the bleedings… there was still blood marks on his face but other then that he looked better then before.

"I thought you would have left by now," Tiki had a bored expression as he entered the darkened room. "You really are a fool."

silence.

The Noah lighted his cigarette and leaned on the door frame, "You're friends are looking for you."

He felt weak… his body seemed unnaturally heavy.

A small smirk formed on his lips, "but then again you might not want to see 'his' face."

He wanted just to be alone…

Tiki started to walk towards the exorcist putting out the cigarette along the way. He knelt down in front of him to be in the same eye level and lightly lifted the other man's chin up. "And it was just yesterday when these eyes of yours held so much emotion… even though they were mostly hatred." Slowly he leaned down and placed a kiss on the other's lips.

Kanda didn't react… it seemed like he didn't care. In few seconds Tiki broke the kiss… smirking, he only said one thing before standing up and walking away…

"Because I pity you."

* * *

It didn't take long for Kanda to find his way back to the town. It was kind of simple actually… he just kept walking until he got there. He wondered weather he should tell Komui about Earl's hideout but it would require him of explaining what exactly happened… he didn't want to relive the incident just yet.

The daily noise of the town sounded distant because of the rain and there were only few people in the street, mostly running to get to a near shelter.

He didn't care about getting wet nor was in a hurry to find the others… in truth he wanted to delay the meeting of the other exorcist. He just kept walking down the street fist clenched to hide the fact he was actually cold.

There was the sound of distant footsteps then it stopped. He came to a stop as well and looked up to see the person who was standing in front of him few feet away.

They stared at each other for a while… those light blue eyes meeting his dark ones.

Allen took a step forward almost awkwardly. "Kanda…" there was a pause then without a warning he ran towards the black haired exorcist and punched him in the face.

Kanda didn't try to block it and his head snapped sharply to the side.

"YOU IDIOT!" he yelled, "Don't you think we were worried? Are you that stupid! Why didn't you say where you were going! Why did you take so long! Why couldn't you be more open!" then his voice became softer to say what he had to next…

"Why him?"

Kanda turned his head and looked at the younger boy in front of him.

"You knew…" Allen turned his head; he couldn't meet at the other's eyes. "You know how Lavi was toying with you… how he still is! Why can't you understand that you are only an entertainment to him! How can you still like him!"

There was a silence where both of them didn't move. After a while realizing that he was probably going to get nothing out of Kanda, Allen turned around to leave.

"Let's hurry back… Linali was worried too," he said softly as he started to walk.

"Because…"

Allen stopped.

"It takes only a second to know a person… 1 minute to like them… but it would take a life time to forget them…"

Silver haired boy looked at him once more… a forced simile that didn't match the emotion in his eyes even the slightest.

"Kanda, you really are stupid…"

Lavi watched the two in silence. They probably didn't know he was there and he would rather keep it that way for now.

* * *

To Be Continued...


	4. Revelation

**Scent of Sorrow**

Chapter 3

**D.**

**G**

**R**evelation

**A**

**Y**

**-**

**M**

**A**

**N**

_Revelation- (n.) 1. __the act of revealing or disclosing; disclosure._

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Still don't know

there is an answer

there isn't an answer

the truth there is

the truth there isn't

the lie there isn't

the truth there is

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"That was harsh even for you."

Tiki smirked and continued in putting on his black overcoat, "I just thought breaking that exorcist would be a fun way to pass time."

Debito just blankly stared at him, "hmm… then why didn't you just kill him?"

The Noah of pleasure let out a chuckle, "If I break my new toy too quickly it would just be too boring again won't it?... besides I want to test these human feelings."

* * *

"_Oh, heavens…_

_How I desire to make you mine…_

_And forever bestow your happiness…_

_With love so divine."_

Allen flipped the page to read another when the journal was snatched away from his hands.

"Who said you can read my stuff?" Yes, just by Kanda's sharp tone of voice the young exorcist realized how on the edge the Japanese man was.

Actually the dark haired exorcist was like this since they got back from their trip in the rain. After finding Kanda, Allen immediately contacted Linali and Lavi and headed back towards the motel. From there on, after Linali got some rest, they headed out to take the next train to Edo.

The Japanese exorcist still did not explain why he was in the rain or why he ran off in the first place and it seemed like he intended to keep his mouth shut. Allen didn't really understand what was going on but from what happened lately and the new information he gathered about Lavi this whole situation was yet again caused by the soon to be bookman.

"Oh come on Kanda they are pretty good actually… when did you start writing poetry anyways? I never thought you would be the type." Allen smiled as he took back the book from Kanda's hands. It seemed as though the older teen gave up.

"che," Kanda crossed his arms and leaned back on his seat yet again, "You would be surprised what you would do when you have so much time at your hand."

"mmm… but some of these look like it was done like years ago."

"Probably because my master was interested in art… I think he rubbed off on me for couple of month… then I couldn't stop the habit."

The red haired exorcist was for once sitting in silence next to Allen. He thought considering what happened so far it was to his advantage to just observe… after all this whole situation was at a delicate place… one simple wrong move and it would all go to waste. He needed to play his cards right… something that could distance Allen away from his Yuu-chan but at the same time not such a big thing that would cause a break between the Japanese youth and himself. Of course he still knew of the other's feelings for him and doubted that Yuu would ever truly give up on him but still…

Right then Lavi figured out another thing to use this to his advantage. "Allen" he said in his usual cheerful voice, "I saw Yuu-chan writing poetry since he came but he would never show them to me. I would usually sneak into his room when he is off on a mission and would get a glimpse at it."

"So… this is kind of you're way of writing you're thoughts… like a journal"

In truth it was a bit awkward for Allen to be near Lavi but, naïve as he was, he decided to ignore that eventful day and act how they usually did… laughing, joking, together frustrating Kanda. However, he still wondered if this was a good idea as seeing a glimpse at Lavi's true self; he found it rather intimidating.

The fact that Lavi held Kanda's affection for a long time (actually much longer then Allen realize) was still a mystery to the young exorcist but it seemed like the main reason wasn't just because Lavi was Lavi. It seemed that he was finally realizing the future bookman's talent… the red haired exorcist knew how to handle Kanda… he took advantage of the other's weakness and often gave out false hope… he knew when Kanda was straying away from him and without so much as an effort he quickly figured out a way to get him back.

In some ways it seemed like Lavi was forming an invisible string around Kanda… binding him… choking him… using him…

Lavi turned his attention from the window to his fellow exorcist… mainly Allen,. "Turn to page 54… that one was my favorite," he said with a smile.

Allen quickly turned the pages… he doubted Lavi would be wrong about the page number… after all he had an amazing memorizing skills.

_Even when the mountain trembles and riverbed run dry…_

_And the earth becomes one with the heavens above…_

_Even when the winter brings thunder and summer brings snow…_

_Never will my feelings do anything but grow…_

The young exorcist stared at the page as he stopped reading… Next to him Lavi was directly staring at Kanda who was trying his best not to show emotion.

"Beautiful words isn't it?" he said with a smirk.

Allen looked up with a slightly dazed look, "huh? … yeah…" He wasn't showing it but he knew what exactly the poem was talking about. It was written by none other then Kanda… who else could he have been writing about but…

Lavi watched in amusement as he saw Allen thinking to himself. He was allowing the information to sink in. 'Allen, I told you I'm not giving him up that easily…' he thought.

* * *

Allen was the first person to get off the train along with Linali as they reached their station.

Lavi who was about follow suit was pulled back inside and was harshly slammed again the wall.

He smirked, "Yuu-chan, if you wanted rough all you had to do was ask."

Kanda leaned in so they were merely inches apart, "Why the hell did you do that? Do you even think about what you are doing!"

"As far as I'm concerned I didn't do anything wrong… I was merely stating the facts…"

Kanda tightened his grip on the other man's wrist, "Do you even realize…?" His tone was getting to the level of danger.

"In my opinion," the bookman began, interrupting him, "I was doing him a favor by saving his feelings."

"What?" He asked sharply

Lavi sighted, "I told you this before Yuu, he is in love with you and you are giving him mixed messages. You know you won't be able to love him but he is taking your newly friendship as a sense of hope. Sooner he realizes that you can't even return his feelings the better."

There was a silence and Kanda let go of Lavi's wrist. He turned around about to leave, "Che… I wish you really were this _kind_… then at least you would have saved my feelings."

The red haired exorcist watched as Kanda walked away from him… waiting a little before he himself walked out of the train.

* * *

**Continued (?)**

Ok I know that was pretty sure but I have been kind of having trouble in school (grades) ... also sorry for not updating sooner...

This was kind of like a filler before the next big part so please review


	5. Asunder

**Scent of Sorrow**

Chapter 4

**D.**

**G**

**R**

**A**sunder

**Y**

**-**

**M**

**A**

**N**

_Asunder_- (adj.) into separate parts; in or into pieces

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

the truth is a lie

I'm not sure

anyone is me

I am anyone

everybody I can become

I can become everybody

like the truth becomes a lie

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

"_They saw him with a sword!"_

"_How can he do something like that? Even his brother…"_

_**Whispers… gossips… They pretend that they are saying it in secret but in truth they want the person to hear… **_

"_What are you talking about?" asked a red haired kid. Being 9 years old he was slightly younger then the people in the group but because of his intelligence they never noticed._

"_Hey Lavi, coming back from the library again?" asked Chakar (if you can't remember he was in General Winters Sokaro's team)._

"_yea the Bookman is determined to have to learn 5 different languages by the end of this week… and I just got back…" He sighed, "So what are you all talking about?"_

"_Um… well," began Gwen. She was a pretty girl, long dark hair, bright blue eyes… even at a young age she was admired. Her best friend and teammate, Sol Galen, was standing next to her but avoiding his eyes. (If you look in the manga, they were trained by General __C__l__o__ud Nine.)_

_Suman who was just standing there until now decided to speak, "We're talking about that kid who came into the order last year…There is something wrong with him…" He was always upfront about everything and was seen as some sort of the leader of the group._

"_There is nothing wrong with ­­," replied Lavi with an indifferent voice._

"_See? You are like the only one who knows his name! It's been over a year and he is still always in that room!" blurted Sol._

_Lavi stared at her then to Suman, "What are you saying?"_

"_Everyone's saying it. Even the generals… He was found with a sword and blood all over him… he was just staring at his parent's corpses… he wasn't crying or even showing any emotion."_

"_Are you saying killed his own parents?"_

"_It seems like it…"_

_Lavi glared at him, "You weren't even there. You have no right to say what is true and what is not… all you're doing is spreading rumors."_

_Suman glared back, "Look Lavi, there is something wrong with that kid and the sooner you realize it the better."_

"_Lavi… that kid…" Gwen stepped forward but was interrupted._

"_He has a name." He said coldly_

_She was taken aback but went on, " ok… well doesn't have any files… Even the black order has no information on him…"_

"_What were you even doing looking at his files?" Lavi was starting to lose his patience._

"_I… kind of over heard the Generals talking about him…"_

_He just stared at her._

"_They… except for General Tiedoll and General Cross are opposing staying here…"_

_Suman leaned against the wall and crossed his arms, "just to show you he is good for nothing… even the Generals are thinking of getting rid of --" but before he could finish he was pushed to the ground, "WHAT THE HELL!"_

_His fist connected with the older boy's jaws… there was blood but he didn't care._

"_LAVI!" Chakar tried to hold Lavi back and the girls yelled out in shock._

_He didn't know why he did it… he was supposed to stay calm in any situation… that was what he was taught. This was unnecessary… why did he snap like that…?_

Lavi opened his eyes… He heard voices outside the room. He slowly sat up on his bed, running his fingers through his hair. 'What was that dream?' he thought, 'It felt like someone erased the name from my memory… why can't I remember?'

This was highly unlikely for him… to not know the details about one of his memories. He was trained ever since he was young to remember everything and anything… every detail, every face, every sound. Why couldn't he remember clearly? He was sure it was his memory and he could have swore it wasn't just a dream… it was real…

He sighed and got up. He started to put on his uniform, still thinking about that dream. 'Who could we have been talking about?'

* * *

"So what your saying is…?"

"We have to get back as soon as we can," Linali hung up the phone.

"Why?"

Linali turned to the other exorcist, "Brother says that there is something wrong with the movements of the Noahs…"

Kanda stood up. He kind of had a clue what was going on… he realized it last time he was with that annoying Noah. There was no reason for him to have left him alive… they had some kind of plan, "We'll head back in the afternoon."

"I'll go tell Lavi." She started to heading towards the door on the right.

The dark haired exorcist watched her knocking and walking through the door then turned his attention to person next to him.

Allen had a blank expression and he still seemed to be deep in thought.

Kanda glanced at him and started to walk away.

"Kanda…"

He stopped, "what?"

"Did Tiki say anything that was unusual?"

"No…"

Allen stared at him for a moment then closed his eyes, "be careful…"

"che…"

* * *

"Tiki!" squealed the girl as she leapt onto the older Noah's arms... however the happy mood changed as her expression turned from cheerful smile to a penetrating glare.

Tiki automatically tensed half knowing what was to come…

Road kicked him as hard as she can. No one could tell that she was the same little girl that moments before happily skipping towards the other Noah, "you cut your hair!"

Jasdero and Debitto automatically tried to get away from the two, not wanting to get involved and even LuLu steped back.

"Now now you two… even though I agree completely with Road that you shouldn't have cut your hair dear brother, but I can't have you injuring him too much."

LuLu turned to the new comer, "Sherrill, why are you here? Shouldn't you be home acting like a good husband?"

Sherrill just smiled, "well, my wife is in bed resting and Road was keep repeating herself that she was awfully bored so I thought why not we pay a visit to the rest of our family…"

"Oh please, that couldn't have been the real reason why you're here," said Tiki as he sat back down on his chair.

Sherrill turned to him, his smile still not fading, "Why would you ever say that?"

Tiki stared at him for a few seconds then turned his attention to the window, "Either you came to scold me about acting rashly or just came to tell me off and stop spending time on useless matters."

Sherrill walked over next to him and leaned on the back of the arm chair, "If you knew it was useless why did you even do it?" then his smile was gone, "but no I'm not here to talk about your recent adventures with that exorcist…"

Tiki looked up at him… "hm?"

* * *

"Brother, what's going on?"

The double doors were thrown open as Linali walked in, followed by Lavi and Allen. However before any of them could say another word they noticed there were other people in the room.

Linali froze on the spot, "S-sol…?"

The girl stood up and immediately went and hugged the other exorcist, "Linali…"

Tears formed in her eyes, "I thought you were dead…"

Sol patted her on the back, "I'm fine… see?"

"What about Gwen? Tina?"

Sol smiled, even though the other could see that there was sorrow in her eyes, "Gwen's fine too… she's resting… but Tina… she couldn't make it."

Lavi walked over and patted Linali on the shoulders, then he turned to Sol, "Glad to see you again."

She smiled.

"Well General Cloud found them," Komui stood up, "Gwen seems to be doing much better now and as you can see Sol only had minor injuries… Tina, she was already dead by the time she was found."

Linali looked at her brother, she stopped crying now.

He smiled at his younger sister, "and there was someone else who we managed to save."

They all turned towards the corner of the room where someone was standing in the shadows. They didn't notice until now but the presence of this person that was there was more shocking then of Sol's.

Allen's eyes went wide, "…Suman!"

The figure walked closer to them and sure enough it was Suman.

"Suman…?" Linali was in a state of shock as well but not as much as Allen. whom even witnessed his death.

The younger exorcist took as step forward, "How can you still be alive? I saw… Tiki…"

Suman looked around at them then stared directly at Allen, "I actually have no clue either… I was sure that I was dead but then… next thing I know General was yelling at me to get my act together if I wanted to live."

Allen turned to Komui, "What is going on?"

Komui closed his eyes and pushed his glasses higher on his nose, "We are still trying to figure that out… and General Cloud and Sokaro already headed this afternoon to check the areas they were found."

Suddenly Lavi was right next to him, "you're sure they're not Akumas?" he whispered.

"No… that was our first thought too… but as you can see even Allen-kun's eye isn't activating." He then turned to the rest of the people in the room, "It might be the work of the Noah or the Earl… Try to be careful for a while and I ask that all of you don't leave this tower until every exorcist is healed and good enough to carry on further mission."

River looked around that the room, "um… sorry to interrupt but where is Kanda?"

They looked around as well…

"Now that I think about it…" began Allen…

Lavi stared at him "Where is Yuu-chan?"

* * *

"So," Tiki took another sip of the wine, "you're telling me that you let the Cloud's team alive?"

"Well… not exactly… I did kill one of the girls as she was becoming a bother… but yes I did leave the two alive. I actually thought that they would die out of blood lost but apparently someone of the near by village found them and lent them a hand." Sherrill let out a sigh, "but trust me, they don't possess strong enough innocence to even rival us... they won't be of a bother."

Tiki rested his head on the palm of his hand, "If the Duke fines out…"

"oh no no no no… he already know…"

He blinked in surprise, "Huh? He was ok with it?"

"Well," said the other Noah, "It isn't as if I was the only one who messed up. The twin failed to get rid of Cross, Road failed in possessing the young bookman, LuLu failed to retrieve the egg, and you failed to destroy one of the exorcist."

Tiki just stared at him, "What are you talking about?"

The older Noah leaned back on his chair, "What was his name… Suman…?"

He thought for a few seconds, remembering the flashback of when he destroyed Allen's arm, "no… I'm sure I killed him…"

"Tsk tsk little brother," it seemed as though Sherrill was mocking him, "At least we know our mistakes."

* * *

"Kanda? KANDA!" he banged on the door even harder, "I know you're in there! KAND-"

"WHAT?" the door suddenly swung open and the younger exorcist nearly fell forward.

"They are alive! Sol, Gwen… even though I don't exactly know them… and Suman too!"

"Bean sprout, you should already know that I don't really give a damn about any of them." was the angry reply.

Allen blinked in surprised. He knew that Kanda didn't exactly like anyone in the Order however he thought that he might know who they are and would have been glad that they weren't actually dead.

"Um… Kanda, do you know who them?"

Kanda glared at him, "Of course I know them… but just because we are on the same side doesn't mean I have to like them."

"but-"

"He won't listen, Allen."

The white haired exorcist turned around to see Lavi walking towards them. He can't really say that he was that pleased to see him but…

Lavi stopped right in front of the Japanese exorcist their faces only a foot apart. "Allen can you let me just talk to Yuu for a few minutes?" he asked, not taking his eyes off of the other teen.

Allen hesitated but then decided to go and find Linali, "um… alright."

The young Bookman waited until his footsteps weren't heard anymore then grabbed the collar of the other's shirt and dragged him inside. He pushed Kanda to the wall and the door shut closed.

"What do you want?" asked Kanda coldly.

Lavi's expression was emotionless but slowly he leaned in and kissed the other. It was just a quick kiss and soon his grip on Kanda's shirt loosened. He looked at him but the other wasn't showing any sign of emotion; even anger.

"Yuu-chan…."

"Let me ask you in a simpler term. What are you here for? Shouldn't you be with your friends jumping up and down with joy that they aren't dead?"

Lavi smirked slightly, "Are you jealous Yuu-chan? That my attention might astray to someone else?... but this won't be the first time." He lightly swept away the dark hair that was in the other's eyes.

"Che… of course… you still have no clue." Kanda pushed him away and went towards his bed sitting down.

Lavi just stood there. 'What is he talking about?' he thought as he watched the other exorcist.

There was a moment of silence where both were lost in their own thoughts then Kanda broke the silence.

"Lavi…"

"hm?" he looked at him, still standing next to the door.

"Bookman… are supposed to have photographic memory right? Remember every detail, every word…"

"Yea… of course we have to record everything that goes on."

Kanda looked up at him, staring straight into his eyes. Lavi could have sworn there was something else he wanted to say and he was just waiting for it however the other just stood up and walked towards the door. He knew that Kanda kept most things secret but this was the first time that he couldn't tell even at the slightest what he was thinking. The dark haired exorcist reached for the door…

'_Are you really going to walk away from me?... where are you headed? towards Allen?'_

"Yuu…"

He stopped…

Lavi leaned against the door and closed his eyes, "You already know this but my attention astray to different people often… but somehow… my interest always stays with you…"

Kanda didn't look at him, more like avoiding his eyes. He didn't say anything and walked out, his pace quickening.

Lavi just stayed in the dark room, smirk forming on his lips…

……………………………

'DAMMIT! That stupid, idiotic, retarded-!"

"Kanda?"

He was so lost in his own thoughts that he completely forgot where he was walking towards to…

"Komui," he said acknowledging him.

Komui smiled, he was holding that ridiculous bunny cut obviously filled with coffee, "Linali already left with Sol and Suman… If you want to see them…"

"I don't want to see their fuckin face," he said coldly.

Komui sighed, "Kanda, why don't you just forget it. It was long time ago… you all were so young."

He just glared at him gritting his teeth.

"WHERE IS THE SUPERVISER?"

"HE RAN AWAY AGAIN!"

Komui looked towards his back where the voices came from, "ah… time for me to go." he said as he started to run.

Kanda just sighed… "Now seriously where can I go to just not see any of these people…"

………………

"So nothing really changed…"

Linali smiled, "Well there are few people who became exorcist after you both disappeared… but other then that."

"Oh I think we already met one of them! Miranda… she seems nice but she was a little jumpy," Sol said.

"Yea well Miranda is Miranda."

"Actually she scared me when she started to go crazy with her apology," Suman muttered.

Linali just smiled and walked on. They were headed to the cafeteria as it was only few minutes till 6. Of course Allen was head of the group as he was undoubtedly in a hurry to get food, even though he tried not to show it. Sol actually thought it was cute and Suman, having the same type of innocence as Allen, didn't ask questions.

They walked down the hallway filled with doors that all looked alike… if they were new to this place they would have gotten lost without a doubt but since they all have been at the Black Order for over period of at least 2 years they had no problem of finding where to go. As they were walking one of the doors slowly opened and stepped out Lavi.

"Lavi," said Linali greeting him, "that's Kanda's room… is he in there?"

Suman glanced at Linali then turned to Lavi, 'Kanda…?' he thought.

Lavi turned towards them, "Not any more, he left few minutes ago… Heading for dinner? I'll come with you then."

Suman wanted to say something but Sol gave him a glance that said he should just keep silence… however it didn't stop the part of him that was bothered by this. 'For this long Lavi was still hanging around that kid… I thought he would have realized by now what his true nature is…"

He was still in thought as they ordered their food and sat down at one of the tables. The others were actually caring on conversations in order for Sol to catch up on what was going on and Allen was finally starting to join in as he wasn't as hungry.

"Lavi, where's Kanda?" asked Allen after looking around the tables. Kanda wasn't exactly that hard to spot during meal times as he usually sat alone, and with his exorcist clothe he did stand out… but today…

"Um… I think Yuu-chan is sulking in a dark place in the tower somewhere…"

Sol looked at the two, "Y-yuu …? Is that his first name?" Her voice was slightly shaking but Allen decided to ignore it.

"Yep," replied Lavi in his usual cheerful voice, "I guess you didn't see much of him. He came around when I was 16 and you both were busy training… mmm… I think you never actually bumped into each other."

Sol stared at him not knowing what to say. 'What is he talking about? Kanda came when we were young… that was years ago… are they different person?'

Suman frowned, "No I think we met before…"

Lavi turned to him, "huh? you have? Yuu-chan never mentioned it then."

Suman thought for a moment trying to figure out what was going on, 'What is going on? Lavi isn't the type to forget… maybe it is for the best if he didn't know…'

"Well we don't exactly get along… I hate people like him."

"Suman!" Sol said.

"What? It is the truth… He doesn't stand up for himself, always need people's help, and always becomes a burden. Not to mention the fact he is horrible at working in teams and even more anti-social then me. At least I had few friends and I'm not that weak."

Linali felt the tension forming, "Suman that is-" but before she could finish…

_SPLASH_

Sol covered her mouth with her hand in shock and Linali and Lavi stared, eyes wide.

Allen dumped the water right to Suman's face.

Suman was shocked for a moment but then recovering he stood up, "WHAT THE HELL IS-"

"Shut up."

"WHAT?"

"Shut up about Kanda," Allen repeated coldly.

Everyone in the cafeteria were now staring including Komui and River who at the opposite side talking to one of the finders.

"You little brat!"

"Kanda… he is nothing of what you say… He might be anti-social and don't open up to people but he certainly isn't weak nor a burden.! He can stand up for himself… especially to someone like you who talks behind his back just because you don't have the courage to face him yourself! So don't you dare call him weak… because he has more courage and pride as an exorcist then you would ever have!"

"Why you..." Suman glared at the younger exorcist. He was just told by a boy, in front of almost everyone in the Order no less. He raised his fists…

Linali and Lavi stood up right away to pull Suman back but before they can take any action someone already had a grip on his wrist, holding him back.

Suman barely had time to turn around before a blade was at his neck.

"The only person who can retort back at bean sprout is me."

'It… couldn't be…' thought Sol as she watched the scene in front of her.

The person that was holding the sword…Suman could have sworn that this was the same kid that they met years back. He has jet black hair, long and tied in a pony tail. He was around his height but around one or two in shorter… but what shocked him was his eyes. It was cold, held confidence and so much hatred… none of them were there before.

"Kanda!" said Linali, "That's enough!"

The two glared at each other for moments longer before Kanda put away his sword. Around them everyone was still in shock and didn't know what to do.

"That's enough Suman," came a deep voice behind them.

They looked towards the door and saw General Sokaro and General Cloud.

"Sol, I'm disappointed you weren't able to stop this mess…" said General Cloud.

"This is obviously my idiot apprentice's fault… he is the one who started all this…"

Allen turned towards the new comer, "Master!"

General Cross had his usual smirk and after glancing at Allen walked towards Kanda.

"Hmmm, I should compliment General Tiedoll next time I see him…. you improved greatly… but then again he might not take that as a good thing as he still hates violence."

Kanda glared at General Cross not saying anything.

Behind him Sol and Linali were saying silently, "don't glare at the General…"

Sokaro let out a small laugh, "Maybe we were wrong about him Cross… he might turn out to be stronger after all."

Kanda's hand turned into fist… it took every part of him not to attack the two man in front of him. 'How dare they….'

"_Tiedol, why are you even bothering with him? That kid's useless. He can't even hold his own innocence without trembling in fear. Cross don't you have anything to say about this?"_

_-sigh- "I would have to agree with Sokaro with this one… I understand that innocence chooses its owner but…"_

"_Cross… YUU! When were you here? How long have you been listening?" _

"Shut up…" he said quietly.

"hm?" Cross turned his attention back to the Japanese exorcist.

"At least I don't go around sleeping with different women every night and not doing my duties, only increasing the debt for the Order to pay," Kanda's voice wasn't loud but there was that fine line of danger in it.

Cross smirked, "I actually like this personality of yours… you changed…"

Kanda's eyes narrowed but before he can say anything else Komui stepped in.

"Generals, nice to have you all back… We all need to have a talk about something in private…"

Sokaro turned to him, "about the Noahs… very well," then he looked at Suman, "I'll deal with you later…"

They all started to head out and soon everyone went back to their meals… but the way they kept on glancing back, it was obvious what they were talking about. Kanda watched as the Generals leave and then turned and headed towards the opposite direction.

"Kanda!" Allen called before following after him.

Suman glared at him as he left.

"Suman…"

He turned but…

_Splash_

Lavi slammed the now empty glass down on the table. He didn't say anything but his expression didn't have the usual cheerful grin. He left the table and started to walk towards the door.

…………………

"Kanda! Kanda, wait up! KANDA!"

He stopped.

"Bean sprout… don't get involved like that again," he said coldly, "It wasn't your place…"

"Why are you being like this?" Allen wanted to yell. He was frustrated, angry… even disappointed, "What? Was Suman right about you? You don't have the guts to defend yourself?"

"That's not-!"

"Then what?" he yelled.

There was a silence… Kanda was still not looking at him….

Allen looked away, "Is it the fact it was me…? Were you waiting for Lavi to defend you?"

"…"

Kanda turned around to face the younger exorcist. "Allen…"

"You know," he interrupted, "I always waited for you to say my name… I thought when you did it would be the time you finally acknowledged me… I guess I was wrong."

The usual cold eyes softened… but before Allen had a chance to see he turned his gaze.

Allen stared at him for few more seconds then, "… well you got your wish… Kanda…"

The dark haired exorcist looked up at him then turned around…

"Lavi…"

………

"_Lavi, why is your face like that?"_

"_huh? Oh I just got into a fight… nothing big… it would heal…"_

"_Why… is it…"_

"…… _I couldn't just leave them alone! You didn't even do anything wrong."_

"_It wasn't your place…"_

"_Of course it was! If I didn't who will?"_

"_If you keep doing this… I will eventually become weaker… not knowing how to defend myself when you're gone…"_

"_Well then I would just have to always be beside you don't I?"_

"…"

"_Besides, that way you won't leave me and go to someone else, Kanda-chan, right?"_

You were always possessive… I knew it then too… but… it was one of your traits that I liked about you…

* * *

_You seem to be doing well_

_Your face seems as if you're forgetting me and living well_

_How much I hate the way you're acting_

_How much I was upset_

_I have a lot of fear _

_and hate to be alone_

_without you I can't go on_

_It's easy for my mind to forget you_

_but my heart keeps bringing you back_

_Maybe I loved you_

_Maybe I can't forget you_

_Even the hard times keep coming back_

_let alone the good times_

_it keeps hurting me more_

_What can I do?_

_I want to love you_

_I miss you to death_

_The worlds I want to tell you the most_

_I have to swallow them in_

_Even though my heart hurts_

_I have to act indifferent_

_I have a lot of tears_

_and my mind is weak_

_I didn't know how to smile_

_Because of you I learned happiness_

_Because of you I learned what love was_

_What can I do?_

_I want to love you_

_I miss you to death_

_The words I want to tell you the most_

_I love you_

_Now I've had enough_

_It's time for me to forget you_

_Close my eyes_

_let my heart stop beating_

_will that work?_

_As much as I love you_

_As much as I wanted you_

_Letting go is hard_

_No matter how much I try to forget you _

_It just hurts more._

(Kanda's journal… pg 79)

* * *

**To be continued...**

I'm sorry for not continuing for so long but as you can see I had lot to write... and school wasn't much of a help

so to say sorry for waiting for so long here is a little **preview of the next chapter**

**Chapter 5-preview**

Suman: Lavi do you really not remember?

Lavi: Seriously Suman you are starting to creep me out…

Sol: Lavi… Kanda… he

...

Tiki: What's the whole point? He doesn't remember you….

Kanda: you know… the reason why he forgot…

Tiki: I guess you can put it that way… But I wonder… would you still love him if you knew the reason…

...

Allen: Kanda…?

Kanda: Yuu, it's Yuu…

Allen: …? Are you ok?

Kanda: If I tell you… I can forget Lavi… and all my feeling for him… would you be able to stay beside me?

_(So the real drama starts)_


	6. Yearning

Scent of Sorrow

**Scent of Sorrow**

Chapter 5

**D.**

**G**

**R**

**A**

**Y**earning

**-**

**M**

**A**

**N**

_Yearning_- (n.) deep longing

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

Thinking it wasn't faith

I said it wasn't

Believing it wasn't love

I said it wasn't

But I know now

this is the end of faith

and end of love

x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x

_People walk in and out of your life… and this case was no different. In the Black Order those around you are constantly changing… It was only natural. They weren't their for the sake of their own happiness but for sake of their goal. And as the fall arrived, just as the trees were saying farewell to their leaves, came the time for another departure._

"_General Tiedoll, please be careful."_

"_Don't worry, it won't be long till I come back to this place."_

_Komui bowed a little and the General stepped into the boat. The child climbed in afterwards but kept looking back._

"_Let's head out then…"_

_The boat started to move with the current, heading out threw the dark tunnel._

"_HEY!"_

_The child looked back, as if expecting…_

_Next to the supervisor was a child with messy red hair. He seemed to have ran all the way as his face was covered in sweat and his breathing was harsh, "HEY! You better come back soon!"_

_The other… just smiled._

* * *

He opened his eyes slowly… almost lazily. "Another one…" he said to himself.

"I don't know… why am I having all these dreams anyways? They can't actually be real… I mean I never remember anything about them." He picked up the glass of water and drained it.

Sol just watched him… This whole situation was very odd. Kanda, even though he had changed so much, she could be sure that he was the same kid Lavi was close to years back. It didn't really make sense that he would have just forgotten everything… but then again, he was speaking as if the kid from his childhood and Kanda were two different people.

"Lavi, Sol!"

They both turned and saw Linali coming their way.

"Linali."

"We all have to report to the supervisor's office right away!"

* * *

_cold… it felt cold…_

The rain already soaked his shirt and hair but he still stood there.

_Where to now? What was he supposed to do?_

Of course Kanda already knew the answer… He knew it almost for a year.

"_Allen, he stood up for you…"_

"_Why… are you telling me this?"_

"… _Maybe… because I still believe that you will only look at me with that expression."_

* * *

Tiki sighed, "Was it really that necessary?"

Sherrill smirked as he took a sip of the wine, "Well… if he was alive, he would have become a bother. Remember, dear brother, we all have our orders."

Tiki glared at him, "Like I didn't know…"

"Then what are you exactly upset about?"

"Personally I think we should have killed Cross first." Lulubell said as she crossed her arms, "At least that way we would have had less trouble killing the others."

"I would hate to admit this but Cross is the strongest out of all the Generals," muttered Debitto.

Lulubell turned to Sherrill, "Now they are going to have their guards up…"

Sherrill sighed and put down his glass, "I don't give the orders, Lulu… go talk to Earl-sama if you have any compliant."

Tiki got up from his arm chair and walked over to the window starring out, "Maybe I can use this…" he said quietly.

Sherrill looked at him, "hm? What are you exactly planning?"

Tiki didn't turn around just smirked at he looked out the window, "Have you ever wondered what happened to that kid the Order took from Earl's grasp all those years back?"

"I thought that the Order killed him..."

The other Noah smiled.

* * *

"General Tiedoll… is dead?" Allen had a hard time finding the words. How could this have happened? Why now? The order was already in trouble as it is… they can't afford to lose an exorcist much less a general.

Komui looked troubled as well. He knew well what this all meant… the Noahs are starting to move again. This could only lead to more deaths if they are not careful. "The general's body was found early this morning and was identified. There is no mistake… it was the work of a Noah."

Linali was sobbing and Miranda was trying her best to comfort her. They all knew Linali couldn't take it when someone she knew lost their life… but they can't blame her…

There was new aura around them… sadness, troubles, fear… They were all lost in their own thoughts that they didn't even notice someone else had just joined them… until…

_cling!_

Kanda Yuu never dropped his sword… foolish mistake as that was simply out of the question… but…

The sword hit the hard floor… the sound echoed around the large room. They all turned around to see mugen on the floor and the owner standing still next to it.

"Kanda…" whispered Linali…

"What did you just say? … I think I was mistaken…" Kanda's voice was shaking, "can you repeat… what you said…?"

His voice was neither cold nor harsh as it usually was but this was worse… none of them knew how to react to Kanda when he was like this…

Komui looked away. He couldn't say it… he knew that the person who would be affected by this more then Linali was Kanda…

The long haired exorcist dashed toward Komui, stopping right in front of his desk. He slammed both his hands on the hard wood making the over-stacked paper works to scatter. "Don't mess with me Komui! Tell me the truth there is no way he can be dead! That old man can't be fuckin dead!" He was yelling… yelling at the top of his voice. "He told you to do this didn't he? He told you to do this to mess with my head? ANSWER ME!"

Allen made a move towards the distressed exorcist but was immediately stopped.

"Let him be, Allen…" Lavi whispered.

Allen turned to him about to argue but… he realized the young bookman wasn't even looking at him…

"Komui! LOOK AT ME! I'M FUCKING TALKING TO YOU! Answer me, he can't be dead!" Kanda waved his hand and hit the lamp that was at the edge of the desk. It fell to the floor and with a loud noise it shattered. "Dammit, tell me that you were lying! He can't be dead! He just can't be!" He grabbed Komui's favorite cup and threw it across the room. "WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING, YOU IDIOT?"

Komui just sat there, calmly watching as teen before him went on destroying what ever he could that was near him.

Kanda threw his fist onto the desk and in the process smashed the picture frame… The glass shattered and his hand was bleeding from the cut. However he didn't care. He didn't care about the way he was acting or even the fact everyone in the room was watching him… he just wanted to yell…

"DAMMIT WHY ARE YOU SAYING HE'S DEAD? HE'S NOT DEAD! HE'S SUPPOSE TO COME BACK! HE'S SUPPOSE TO COME BACK AND ANNOY ME WITH HIS STUPID NONSENSE! Telling me I need to change my attitude! Telling me that I should just get used to him because he'll always be there…" His voiced trailed off as he fell to his knees. His usual cold eyes were now filled with tears… there was no use trying to hold them back.

Allen was stunned. He never in his life thought that he would see Kanda breaking down like this. This new side of Kanda Yuu caught him off guard but it seemed like it wasn't just him. Everyone in the room from Linali to Suman looked more shocked then sad now… everyone except…

Lavi walked calmly over to the exorcist on the floor, knelt down next to him, and silently wrapped a handkerchief around the other's bleeding hand. He held it there… he knew that Kanda was in no state to worry about his hand…

"He wasn't supposed to die…" Kanda said softly, "He wasn't supposed to leave me here like this, Lavi… He said he wouldn't leave me like my parents… Why is it… that everyone is leaving me?"

Lavi took off his jacket and placed it over Kanda, than he wrapped his arms around him, embracing him… "It's ok Yuu, you can cry if you want…"

* * *

Ok stop right here!

Well I did a **cosplay of Kanda for Anime Expo** this year and posted the photos on my deviant art account! please look at it when you were done with the fanfic... (look at the bottom for the link)

... on with the story...

* * *

Allen walked down the hallway still thinking about what just happened. Linali was walking right behind him along with Miranda and Suman. She calmed down now and her tears were dry, even though her eyes were still slightly red. Miranda seemed to be more nervous because of the recent news and Suman… he seemed to be in lost in his own thoughts.

"I guess I will be checking up on Sol and Gwen… see how they're doing…" said Suman.

"I'll come with you," Miranda quickly said.

Suman gave a quick nod and both headed towards the medical room.

There was a silence where Allen stood there looking at a distant.

Linali walked closer, "Allen…?"

He snapped back to reality, "Did you say something Linali?"

Linali's expression softened, "Are you ok? What are you thinking about?"

Allen began to walk again and Linali followed.

"You know… Lavi… he knows Kanda better then anyone else…"

"They have been close for a long time…"

"No not just that," he said quickly, "When Kanda broke down back there I didn't know what to do… we all didn't know what to do. But Lavi… he did. He knew when just to leave him alone and when exactly to interfere. Also… the way he put the jacket over Kanda…"

"hm?" Linali looked at him, "What do you mean?"

Allen looked back at him, "I didn't understand at first as well but he did it because he knew exactly how Kanda is. Kanda… hates being around a large crowd of people… he hates showing people how he is and defiantly hates showing emotions. Lavi was protecting Kanda's pride… by putting his jacket over him, we wouldn't see him at his weakest state… and not only that Lavi embraced him so Kanda won't even have to worry about he himself seeing him."

"Allen," Linali began but she was cut off by other voices. She automatically grabbed him towards the wall next to the door where undoubtedly the voices of the General's could be heard. The door was slightly opened and Allen recognized one of the voices as his own General…

* * *

Lavi walked down the empty hallway… hearing the echoes of his own footsteps. He left Kanda alone in his room for now… it was for the best. There are people who want someone to be next to them when they're going through a hard time but Kanda was not one of them.

"Lavi!"

The bookman apprentice turned around. "Suman," he said acknowledging the other exorcist.

"Lavi… how's Kanda?" asked Sol. She wasn't there when they revealed the fact that General Tiedoll was dead but she heard it from Suman.

The red haired exorcist smiled, "He should be fine… He's not the type to let anything bring him down for long."

"But this is the second time… to him it might be like losing his parents again."

Lavi looked at her, "Wait, Sol, how do you know about this? Yuu-chan never speaks of his parents."

Sol looked up at Lavi trying to figure out what to say.

"Lavi, do you really not remember?" asked Suman.

Lavi turned his attention to him, "Seriously Suman you are starting to creep me out… you been saying things like this for days."

"Lavi," began Sol, "Kanda… he…"

"Sol?" called a voice.

They all looked to see Gwen walking towards their direction.

"Gwen, you shouldn't even be out of bed!"

"I'm fine, I'm fine…"

"You shouldn't push yourself," said Lavi, "seriously let's get you back to bead…"

They helped her walk back to the medical room. They knew she is a lot better now but still they were worried. They couldn't afford anymore risk at this point and every exorcist needed to be back on duty as soon as possible.

"Thank you," said Gwen as she laid back on her bed, "But seriously I feel a lot better now."

"Right now, it's even dangerous for an exorcist to be sick… you need to recover completely as soon as possible."

"Yes, yes I heard about the General." She turned towards Lavi, "I heard about what happened in Komui's office. Kanda… was it? He should be happy to have someone like you as a friend."

"No not really," Lavi said laughing nervously.

Gwen smiled, "You know, now I think about it you really are the protective type… I remember you punching Suman when we were younger because he made fun of your friend."

"_Is rest of your family still in Japan?"_

"…"

"…_What are they like? You're mother must be really pretty…"_

"_I never met my birthmother…"_

Lavi looked from Gwen to Suman, "Why don't I remember that?"

"_eh? What do you mean ? Did something happen to her?"_

"_They wouldn't tell me…"_

Gwen was taken aback, "Really?... no I could have sworn it was you, Lavi. Remember, there was this new kid at the order? You two were always with each other? He was a little anti-social and many people had doubts in him because of his background."

"… _my 'mother'… the woman who raised me was a lady of a high class. She had everything every woman would have wanted… money, intelligence, power, beauty… even all the nobles respected her even though she was a woman. Every man of high status wanted to marry her but she fell in love with my father. _

_My father was someone of a low class… he had a simple life and he never really cared much for money. He already had another woman though… my real mother. They couldn't get married because of the money but they were happy just by being with each other. But she was reluctant to let him go and in the end she forced him to marry her. She also realized soon after that my birth mother was pregnant with my father's child… and when I was born she decided to take me in so my father won't have any connection with my mother anymore. _

_She pretended that I was her child and everyone believed her but of course it was a given that she never really liked me. I remember the day when her own son was born, she named him Ichirou, a name usually given to first son… After that… I hated my own name."_

* * *

"Well it was a given fact that Tiedoll's death has caught all of us by surprise…" General Cloud crossed her arms and leaned back on her chair.

"In truth I really didn't expect Tiedoll to go down like this… His innocent was pretty powerful even though he had too much of a soft heart…" General Sokaro looked at Cross who was sitting the opposite of him, "actually wouldn't it have been a better idea for them to kill you off first?"

Cross just sat there smoking his cigarette… He was thinking. His predictions about the Noah's movements were completely wrong but how could he have been? "Something is off… why would they kill Tiedoll first when he wasn't much of a treat to them? How could Suman, Sol, and Gwen still alive?" no… they're changing their plan…

Cloud turned her attention to him, "Well we shouldn't think too much of their survival though… it doesn't seem like they had other alternative motives… they just made a mistake."

There was silence as three were lost in their own thoughts…

"…so," Cloud looked from Cross to Sokaro, "What about that kid?"

"hm? You mean Tiedoll's apprentice?"

* * *

Gwen's words were still haunting him as he walked.

"_Lavi, you said… that… you loved him… You promised him that you will always wait for him."_

He didn't have any recollection of it and all those flashbacks just seemed like they were someone else's memories. … but at the same time something told him that it was the truth.

'I was young,' he thought, 'When you're young you don't really understand what you're saying half the time… it isn't like I was seriously in love with that kid…'

but still it bothered him… after all he still couldn't remember what that other kid looked like or even his name…

Lavi kept on walking muttering to himself until… Linali? Allen?

He saw the two other exorcist flat against the double doors… probably listening into the conversation that someone was having at the opposite side. 'What's going on?' he thought as he started to walk closer.

* * *

The room was empty except for a bed and a desk at the corner. The walls were plain and the only window was tightly covered with dark curtains. It was hard for anyone to think that someone might actually use this room… after all who would actually want their room to be so gloomy?

Kanda sat on the bed silently… He didn't exactly know what to do… what was he suppose to do?

"Well, well, I never expected you to react like this…"

That smooth voice… he knew who it was…

"hm? I thought you would hold up your sword at my throat by now…" Tiki chuckled as he took a step forward, "or have you finally realized that it is no use…"

Kanda still sat there looking down at the floor… He haven't moved… there was no need to, "Why are you here? How did you even managed to show your face in the Black Order?"

The Noah smirked and raised his right hand to his eye level… on his finger was a large butterfly, "I have my ways…"

He looked up at him… his eyes filled with pure hatred…

* * *

"Kanda Yuu… His name…"

Sokaro smirked, "So Cross, you are actually taking interest in that kid… you were the one who said he was unfit to become an exorcist few years back."

Cross sighed, "That goes the same for you… he… changed… and seriously who would have thought that Tiedoll's apprentice would have became like this?"

"That kid," started Cloud, "He was the one..."

"That killed his own parents," interrupted Sokaro, "or so I was told… No one actually knows what happened that night. Someone should keep an eye on him though, I heard that he collided with one of the Noahs twice already... also his curse…"

"I will take him as my apprentice," said Cross calmly.

Sokaro quickly turned to him, "Wait who gave you the right to decide that? Besides all you would do is run off again."

"Well if he's with you, him and your other apprentice won't get along well at all."

"Stop it! Both of you," She slammed her hands on the table, "Kanda, you say, well the way he was acting you can obviously tell that he isn't too fond of you Cross…"

"He basically doesn't really like anyone…"

"Seriously Cross you are strong but with apprentice… you are a little…"

"unreasonable," said Cloud before the other can finish.

Sokaro smirked slightly, "look at what you did to your other apprentice, you basically just dumped him in the Black Order and disappeared."

Cross looked at him with a bored expression, "I don't see what the problem with that is. Allen became stronger then any of your students."

* * *

"I haven't killed your General if that is what you're thinking," he said calmly.

Kanda still glared at him his sword only inches away from the Noah's neck. However the other was still smirking… he wasn't nervous or even taking the situation seriously… but of course that made Kanda more pissed off then he already was. "Why are you here?" he growled.

"If you sit around and continue to sulk the Earl is seriously going to pay you a visit."

"And why would you care. Wouldn't you rather have me turn into an Akuma? That way one exorcist would be out of your way."

Tiki smiled, "No no no my dear exorcist, that would only ruin my fun."

He gritted his teeth… he was going to teach this son of a bitch a lesson he won't soon forget.

"Do you want really want to know why your General died first?"

There was a silence… then…

"What are you talking about?"

Tiki slowly pushed away the sword that was threatening him and walked over to the window.

"Answer me," demanded the cold voice behind him.

The Noah waited a few minutes before answering, "The mission he was sent wasn't actually for him in the beginning. Few days back Earl-sama received information that it was actually Cross who would be taking on the mission. Of course one of the Noahs was to go kill him… but as later on we found out it ended up being your General instead."

"Why…"

"Because Cross asked him to take on the mission instead of him… He apparently made an excuse saying he was busy but maybe it was because he didn't want to die himself…"

Kanda threw his sword at Tiki but the Noah avoided it easily. "I don't exactly like Cross myself but he isn't a coward. There is no way that could be true…"

"What if I tell you you were involved in this?"

The exorcist glared at him, "What are you talking about?"

"General Tiedoll was notified yesterday night… do you know what else happened that night?" He smirked as he walked closer to the other man. He stopped only a foot away from the Japanese exorcist and lightly brushed away the strands of hair that was covering his face, "Cross saw how you really became… He expected you to become like Tiedoll or not even make it as an exorcist but that time you proved him wrong. You became cold and distant and seemingly to have worked well in partnering up with Allen during missions… He was searching for another apprentice and this way… everything worked out according to his plan…"

"You… you can't be serious."

Tiki smirked, "Do you really expect everyone at the Order to be trustworthy just because they were chosen by the innocence? … This is how human truly is… blinded by greed and selfishness."

"_I told you this before Yuu, he is in love with you and you are giving him mixed messages. You know you won't be able to love him but he is taking your newly friendship as a sense of hope. Sooner he realizes that you can't even return his feelings the better."_

"tsk tsk… Why don't you come with me… path of a Noah can be more righteous then the path of an exorcist…"

"SHUT UP! There is no fuckin way that I would believe something that comes out of a Noah's mouth."

"Oh really now? What if you just might be one of us…hm?"

His eyes narrowed, "What are you talking about?"

* * *

The double doors were thrown open and with a surprise Allen and Linali fell forward into the room. They looked up to see the person who opened it, "L-Lavi?"

Linali slowly got up… what was scaring her more then being caught listening to the General's conversation was the expression on the other's face, "Lavi, are you… alright?"

No… he was defiantly not alright… For the first time Lavi's eyes looked cold… almost like the time that Road possessed him.

He wasn't even looking at the girl… actually his only attention was on the Generals, "Shut up," he said sharply, "Shut the hell up."

Allen and Linali's eyes went wide and they strongly had the urge to run out of the room.

General Sokaro got up from his seat, "You brat, you dare to say such thing-"

"What the fuck are you all doing," he wasn't shouting but his voice still sounded harsh, "Yuu is grieving from the death of his General and you are just planning on with the replacements? I heard what you all thought of Yuu before; it's not hard to guess… you all had doubts in him and even discouraged him… and now you think you can just change your minds and pretend everything's alright? If any of you have some decency you would have at least apologized! There is no way Yuu would ever accept any of you as his general… Tiedoll... General Tiedoll was the only one with the rights to call Yuu his apprentice!"

Allen stared at the scene in front of him, eyes wide, "L-Lavi…"

* * *

Kanda walked up the long flights of stairs which led to the north tower. He wanted to get away from everyone…

"_So what is stopping you now, from leaving this place?"_

"…"

"_So… the reason you want to leave and the reason you want to stay leads to the same person huh? What is the point he doesn't remember you…"_

"_You seemed to know a lot of things… has the Earl been keeping up with my every move?"_

"_Well at some points he really thought the Order had killed you…"_

He didn't know what do think… Why was everything falling apart now? Everything he knew and everything he believed in… it could all just been a lie…

"_you… you know the reason… why he forgot…"_

"_No… not forgot… more like loss of memories… but I wonder would you still love me if you knew the reason…"_

Why hasn't he noticed? Was he really this stupid?

"I can't believe this," he said quietly to himself… no… it wasn't because he hasn't noticed… it was because he didn't want to believe it… The world of lies that the Black Order created for him… he actually wanted it to be true… that's why he wanted to believe what was the truth to be lies…

"_I can become everybody_

_like the truth becomes a lie"_

* * *

'_Yuu… where is he?' _

He was running… faster… faster…

"Lavi! Why are you running?" asked Miranda who he just past.

He stopped and looked back, "Miranda! Do you know where Yuu is?"

"Kanda-kun? He was heading towards the north tower few minutes ago… but Lavi what's going on?"

"Thanks Miranda!" That was all he said before he started running again…

'_Yuu… I'm supposed to be a bookman… I'm not suppose to have any emotions… to be objective and unbias… that was my job…'_

He kept running not caring who he was running into.

'_I… I can't use that as an excuse anymore. The fact I was to become the next bookman was blinding me from seeing other things… I always believed that this was all going to end… sooner or later I would give up the name 'Lavi' and all other memories or feelings that comes along with that name…'_

He was running up the stairs taking two or three at a time…

'_I finally realized something, Yuu… the reason I was able to know you better then anyone else… it wasn't because I had to because I was the bookman's apprentice… it was because I wanted to. Without noticing I became the person I really am by being around you… In the end 'Lavi' wasn't really my alias anymore, he became the true me…' _

He stopped as he reached the end of the stairs…

'_You know what else, Yuu? I … can't be the bookman anymore… I can't pretend anymore..."_

"Lavi…"

He walked closer to him, "Yuu…"

"What… are you doing here, Lavi," the other said coldly.

"I… I was looking for you," He smiled.

Kanda turned towards him, "Why?"

"I wanted to see if you were okay…"

"I'm fine…"

There was silence between the two and Kanda went back to staring out at the sky. Lavi walked over and leaned on the wall close to him.

"Yuu…"

"hm?"

"I been having weird dreams for quiet some time now… It seems like memories that I forgot… and there is this one person that is always in all the dreams…"

Kanda didn't look at him but he was still listening.

"It seems that the person was special to me… but I can't keep the promise I made to him… so I'm going to let it all go… all the memories I have of him… I just hope that they would do the same…"

Kanda closed his eyes, 'So this is what it leads to…'

"… because I think that is all in the past… everyone has a point where they have to move on right? … and I…" He turned to look at the other that was next to him, "I think I have my eyes on someone else now…"

'_You have a creative way of telling someone to forget you, Lavi… So… even though you remember everything now… you still…' _

'_I can't remember who the person was in my past… it seems that some way I have forgotten them… but Yuu, right now only person I want to focus on… is you…'_

* * *

Allen walked back and forth in front of Kanda's door... Where was he at this hour? He was a real mess the last time he saw him… he wouldn't have went to train would he?

"Bean sprout," said a sharp voice behind him.

He turned around quickly to see the other exorcist walking towards him, "KANDA! Where were you? I been waiting for you, you idiot! For at least an hour! I-"

Suddenly Kanda grabbed his wrist and pulled him into an embrace. Allen was startled and at first tried to push the other teen away but…

"Kanda…? Are… you okay?" He could feel it… something was defiantly wrong…

"If I told you… I can forget about Lavi… and all my feelings for him… knowing I once loved him… would you be able to stay at my side?"

* * *

(to be continued!)

ok I know that was long but hope you liked it. By the way I went to **Anime Expo** this year and there for I did a **cosplay of Kanda Yuu **… this is the link to my **deviant account **where there should be a **photo** of my cosplay (of course don't put the space)

phelios123 . deviantart . com/art/Cosplay-Yuu-Kanda-93432367

look at the artist comment and there should be a **link** to the **rest of them!! PLEASE COMMENT! **

AND DON"T FORGET TO REVIEW!!


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